I’m not sure what has brought me to this point. To this letter. But, here goes…
There’s a part of me that still hates you for the pain you caused me all of those years ago. I know I shouldn’t hold onto it, and yet, here I am. Holding onto the pain like a scared child and a ratty, old security blanket. Because, all it does is cause me grief and more tears of frustration when it comes welling back up to the forefront of my mind. I still have trouble listening to our wedding song without crying. I should delete it from my iTunes account. There are those moments that my mind wanders to something that you did/said/attempted (and typically failed) which brings my anger with you and the whole fucking mess to the forefront of my mind. I let my anger toward you get the better of me and take it out on the people around me; when they don’t need or deserve it in any way. Which, is honestly something I need to work on. I know I do.
I felt, and still, feels betrayed by the fact that you couldn’t come to me and tell me things that you were afraid I wouldn’t be able to handle. It’s a hard emotion to explain, unless you’ve been there. Even if you have, it’s different for everyone. I can handle a lot more than you think; despite what was said and done in the past. Your desire to leave, transition, and all the other secrets that have come to light over the past few years will forever haunt you. I could have been a great ally to you. I know it’s not fair to hold some of that against you, because you couldn’t explain what/how you were feeling. I hope in time you come to a point of peace in your own life.
We could have been friends after all of the shit we’ve been through… Had things gone differently.
I don’t know if we still can be friends at this point in our lives. I will be civil to you if I see you in public; but I will not go out of my way to speak with you. There is nothing I feel I need to say to you that will help me; but rather hurt me in my journey for peace and joy. Perhaps, once we are divorced, I can bury all of these… diseased parts of my soul that have been holding me back for so long. I feel it in a deep part of my being that it will help.
The scariest part of all of this: there is still a piece of my heart that will always belong to you. That part of my heart still yearns for you. I hate it. You were the one I thought I would spend the rest of my life with; grow old with; have children and make memories with – through the good and the bad. All the things we had made plans for, and even if we didn’t plan for them, we were still gonna make it through. I always told myself that you were “the one”. My only. My everything.
I know you will never read this letter. Which is fine. At least I can start to make peace with myself and move on.